


Deconstruction

by lilithtorch2



Series: CA2TWS Speculations [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst, Brainwashing, Character Study, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Implied other things, Implied rape (one sentence), Repetition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-11
Updated: 2014-03-04
Packaged: 2018-01-11 22:04:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1178471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilithtorch2/pseuds/lilithtorch2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 1<br/>"Do you know what it’s like to be unmade?"</p><p>"You know that I do."</p><p>Natasha doesn’t tell Barton how much she knows; he needs no explanation. But she remembers it still, watching souls go in and robot people coming out, and wondering when it would be her turn. (She’d been so careful; <em>they’d</em> been so careful.)</p><p>Part 2<br/>Who am I?</p><p>You are the Winter Soldier.</p><p>That was all he needed to hear. Russia is where you were born. Russia is your country. Russia is all that matters. You are our best weapon, the soldier born in the winter. That is your name, Winter Soldier, you don’t need anything else.</p><p>I am the Winter Soldier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Opening credits song:
> 
> "It's not like you didn't know that  
> I said I love you and I swear I still do  
> And it must have been so bad  
> Cause living with me must have damn near killed you"
> 
> Nickelback - This Is How You Remind Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last part was supposed to go something like "There's a freezing winter coming, Steve Rogers. You and the other agents had better be careful, because when it hits, you're all going to wonder how you could feel so safe and secure" à la Selina Kyle from TDKR but nope. Next time!
> 
> "And for a second there we'd won  
> Yeah we were innocent and young  
> The dust cloud has settled, and my eyes are clear"  
> The Killers - Miss Atomic Bomb

Do you know what it’s like to be unmade?

You know that I do.

Natasha doesn’t tell Barton how much she knows; he needs no explanation. But she remembers it still, watching souls go in and robot people coming out, and wondering when it would be her turn. (She’d been so careful; _they’d_ been so careful.)

When she was younger, her thoughts were Russia, Russia, Russia and pious loyalty to country. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Every morning, you sing the song of love for country, just like everyone else, and praise the leader for everything he’s done for you: the food, the life you have, the water, the utilities, the building, the flowers. The leader was a god; there was nothing else. You didn’t ask questions because the leader, your country was right. That’s what you were told. They spoke; you followed. This is your world, this is your role in it. Sing a love of country, don’t sing a love for man. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. This is what they tell you.

They beat her, burned her, did untold things. It is not Russia’s fault this is happening to you, they said. Do you know those other countries? The ones that do not welcome us with open arms? The ones that sneer and turn away, as if you don’t matter? They are the ones who are responsible for this wretched life you live. We did not hurt you; the others did. If they had only left Russia, your love, your country, alone, this would not be happening to any of us.

You want revenge? Train. Be the best.

You want to avenge your lost childhood? Train. Continue the program.

You want to avenge your lost virginity? Train. Fight back.

Russia is not the problem, poor child, the others are. Russia weeps for broken things like you. Do you want Russia to keep mourning like this? No? Then you know what to do.

And so, after awhile, he entered the picture. Winter Soldier, he was called. The whispers: he will shape a century, he will keep doing it again. Do you see his arm, Natasha had been asked. The one that is silver with the red star? He is our savior, he will use it to fight the red white and blue striped men. He is painted black so no one will see him when he comes.

Natasha wished she could have predicted what happened next.

Originally it was about the training. That’s what it should have been about. She believed she was skilled until he arrived. Every move countered, every hit blocked. There was a lot to learn, she needed to learn it all to be the best protector for her country. He praises her when she finally gets a kick in or when she learns how to slide down, knock him off his feet, and come back from that standing up without losing her balance.

She studied him quietly, his dark hair, eyes blue as the ice. He said I don’t see red hair very often, yours is very warm. He said I don’t see many people with eyes as green as yours, you must be a flame princess.

She doesn’t respond for a minute before this odd sound burbles from her throat and her lips, as if through their own volition, curve strangely upward. Idiot, she tells him, flame? In a country as cold as this?

They don’t do anything at first. Sometimes during a mission he will pull down his mask and reveal the boyish features underneath and the grin that melts ice. She likes it when she can see his sapphire eyes that gleam even when there is no sunlight. Of course they don’t always do things together, they are called upon only when Russia needs them. It’s those times when he’s off alone that Natasha starts to think of something other than love of country, to realize that she _is_ thinking of something other than love of country. Her breath is tighter, her heart is rapid.

It’s one of those times when he comes back that their curse begins.

In the beginning it feels like hope; she can feel his breath against hers. He’s gentle and alive and when he enters her and embraces her deeply, it hurts but it doesn’t hurt. The way his face grazes against hers is new, comforting. They cradled between them a simple and pure feeling that feels like diamonds. She’s hungry and pulls him closer even though the one arm is so cold but it’s so gentle and this time it’s not Russia she is thinking of, she is thinking of a man. She is singing songs for him, only him. This isn’t the loyalty Russia teaches its children, nor is it Russia’s love. This is something unreal. This is another world.

She doesn’t remember when she found the Winter Soldier there in that dull brown room tied up with scientists around him and a machine doing who knows what. All she remembers is the emotion behind it. Frightening. They had taken him; he was their next victim. Or, more accurately, perhaps he had always been their victim. These words that rush out of her like a flood interrupt whatever the scientists are doing and they have to restrain her. She only remembers screaming. Hers or his, she can’t make it out anymore. She didn’t realize that the machine tortured its children this way until it was too late. What did they do to him? What did they do to him? All of those questions she had been taught not to ask burst out of her lips. She only remembers trying to fight back. She doesn’t care that they know her loyalty isn’t there that Russia is not her country anymore. They tore her apart; they tore him apart. They shake their heads and realize their mistake; they’d created distractions. He wakes up and sees her but doesn’t see her the same way again all they’ve programmed him to do is to kill. Where is he? She wants to search through whatever is left of his soul and tries, really tries to talk to him but the Winter Soldier doesn’t remember anything except kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill…and instead of being distraught the scientists are pleased that they have unmade a human.

That was the first time she couldn’t talk someone out of their trance. She couldn’t get the Winter Soldier, her Winter Soldier, back again.

You’ve learned enough, they comfort her, now it’s time to grow up. He served his purpose, we will take him away so he can concentrate, and if you don’t say anything about him we won’t say anything about you. So she makes a name for herself - Sao Paolo, Drakov’s daughter, the hospital fire- and tries to let go. Keep calm and don’t think, don’t hope don’t do anything until there’s a chance you can get out of here.

Maybe death is the best option after all.

But when the archer arrives and doesn't kill her and gives her an out she takes it before she, too, becomes a robot. With time, she thinks she’ll be over it all...and then the day comes when she has to find the calm man with the tan and the glasses, the one who is always angry and doesn’t always get what he wants. Then the fear comes in fits and starts. It culminates in a bit where she swears on her life and, for lack of a better word, he hulks out and rampages after her.

That was the second time she couldn’t talk someone out of their trance. She flashes back to the first time, and it’s all she can think about when she’s huddled in a quiet corner underneath the pipes trying to avoid the green monster. That words are useless when someone’s become unmade. That a person who is deconstructed won’t ever listen to you and might never come back. That you can tell them the truth but they might try to kill you. That it happened to other people, and it could have happened to her.

These are the only times where she’s not in control.

And here, in the room where she hears the blonde describe the man with the branded red star, a symbol of the country that still owned him, she knows it’s the Winter Soldier even if she doesn’t say it is. She catches her breath, holds herself still. He had returned, but not for her, never for her anymore.

A cold winter was coming.

No one would survive.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because the [Captain America 2 TV spot #3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7k_6NsYIipA) happened and 0:48 got this chapter going. Made a passing nod to Bioshock:Infinite too.

Who am I?

You are the Winter Soldier.

That was all he needed to hear. Russia is where you were born. Russia is your country. Russia is all that matters. You are our best weapon, the soldier born in the winter. That is your name, you don’t need anything else. Okay? Remember. We will teach you whatever you need.

I am the Winter Soldier.

He opens his eyes and looks down at his hands. One is made of flesh; the other is not. What happened to my arm? These are all great questions, Winter Soldier. We will explain for you. The people in red white and blue, they did this to you. Remember? He thinks about this; it makes sense to him. He has memories of someone clad in such colors and him falling down to his death. He remembers feeling betrayed and angry.

But he’s still here, because these people who are here with him… _they_ rescued him. They teach him the song of love for country and tell him to praise their leader for everything that is good: his life, the food, the shelter. They also teach him that red white and blue is everyone’s enemy. Remember? Anyone who sides with red white and blue must be killed. Remember. Remember. Remember. That’s what they told him.

Is that who hurt me?

Red white and blue? Yes. Yes, that’s what hurt you. You should be grateful to us, we saved you from clear and certain death. See what we did? We gave you another arm, as good as new. No, better than new. Test it out. Are you grateful?

I am.

Now you owe us for everything we have done for you. He was beaten, he was burned, he was slashed. It is not Russia’s fault that this is happening to you. Do you know those other countries? The ones that do not welcome us with open arms? The ones that sneer and turn away, as if you don’t matter? You are going through this torture because they will treat you much worse. You need to know what it is like to feel pain, so that you can inflict it on the others tenfold. No, more than that. They will pay for what they did to us. Do you agree?

He didn’t say anything, only tried his best not to show any emotion.

Do you agree?

He clenched his teeth together, trying to endure it.

Do you agree?

He felt something different, something rebellious.

Do you agree?

Yes, he sighed. But the more they asked him if he agreed with them, the more he agreed, because there was nothing else to contradict them. He did what they asked him to. Just keep doing what they ask him to. That way he can find out who really did this to him. Whoever it is needs to die. Yes, Winter Soldier. Kill, kill, kill them all.

Good. Very good. We are glad you agree. Here, have some weapons. You will be our savior and fight the red white and blue striped men. We’ve painted you black and covered your face so that no one will see you when you come.

He wished he could have predicted what happened next.

As powerful and as fast as you are, you cannot do everything alone. We have someone for you; she’s a quick learner, a determined fighter. Train her. Her name, Natalia, is pretty; she is pretty. He shows her the moves, shows off a little, enjoys the way her emerald eyes look at him with wonder, respect and admiration. He tells her how to keep moving, how to keep her balance no matter what she is doing, and everything she does with him is like a dance.

He danced before. What? What does that even mean? How is that even possible? All he remembers is this room, and he’s never danced here, only fought and killed. Why does the fiery red of her hair remind him of something else? These words just come out through their own volition. I don’t see red hair very often, Natalia, yours is very warm. Like spring, summer and fall, things I’ve never felt before. I don’t see many people with eyes as green as yours, you must be a flame princess. In reply, she giggles and laughs, and there is something familiar about the way she does it that reminds him of home.

Except…his home is here in Russia, where he was born. It is a cold place with no smile.

He and Natalia don’t do anything at first, because their loyalty is to Russia. But sometimes when they’re on missions together, he will pull down his mask to grin at her and show his approval. One time he stole a kiss from her; she let him. For some reason he wanted more than a kiss, but he waited because she asked him to. Another time, he got angry with his superiors; they were bullying someone far too small and he obviously had to do something about it. Curiously, they told him that he was speaking a different language. Not Russian.

Speak up, Winter Soldier. We can’t hear you. What was it that you said? We only speak Russian.

Kill, kill, kill them all.

He runs away from Natalia, tells her it's a mission he needs to do alone, but what he really wants to do is to clear his mind and focus. Only he can't anymore. The mission is not the problem; he knows he can do it. The problem is that the stakes are higher; he does not want to go in and end up dead. He does not want to see her cry when he goes back to her with wounds. He can focus, but more importantly, he needs to be safe for his Natalia and he needs to be with her as soon as he can so they can protect each other. His breath is tighter when he thinks of sweet Natalia and her eyes, his heart is beating faster. He is thinking of something other than love of country, and he thinks, I could get used to that.

In the beginning, it is hope; when he returns to her she pulls him into a kiss and hungers for him even though he's only been gone four days. He doesn't know until that moment how happy he is to see her, and when he gently moves on top of her, he can hear their breaths intertwined. She is the sun when he enters her and again, this act feels familiar to him even though it’s the first time he’s done this. But that’s not what he’s thinking about when they sing of love for each other, when they find a different kind of love that isn’t the one they have for Russia. She is a diamond to be cared for. This is something he used to know, but why? It doesn't matter if it's a dream or not. All he knows is that he keeps going back to her, and that she keeps coming back to him. The more he knows her, the more he cares, and the rage he feels is replaced by something else.

I loved her, love her, will lo-

You are the Winter Soldier.

That was all he needed to hear. Russia is where you were born. Russia is your country. Russia is all that matters. You are our best weapon, the soldier born in the winter. That is your name, you don’t need anything else. Remember that. Remember. Remember. Remember.

I am the Winter Soldier.

Winter Soldier, please. You have to know me. You know me. Remember? You trained me. You showed me this move. I kissed you. I miss your smile. Please come back. Please please please. I know you. You’re a good man, you were good to me…

No, no, no, Winter Soldier, stop whatever it is you’re doing. She is not dressed in red white and blue. Do you see? However, I admire your loyalty to us. Let her go. We’ll take you somewhere safe, tell you where the real enemies are and you can complete your assignments for the glory of Mother Russia. The people in red white and blue will finally pay for what they did to us. Do you agree?

Yes.

Then kill, kill, kill them all, Winter Soldier, because when you come for them, I promise you:

No one will survive.

**Author's Note:**

> Ending credits song:
> 
> "You leave me dancing alone  
> You leave me to die on the floor  
> You can't feel it, you can't feel it  
> You can't feel it, you can't feel anymore"  
> Franz Ferdinand - Can't Stop Feeling


End file.
